User blog:Frozina/Story Review - First Love by Muppet171

Alrightey... time for a story review. Kudos to Muppet for letting me review the first chapter of one of his stories. I'll be reading this story and I'll point out some things he could improve. I'm not the expert at writing stories although I've read lots of writing blog posts (especially by Janice Hardy, I haven't read any of her books yet but she sounds like a really really good writer) so I know the theory of writing. I hope everybody can learn something from this. ^u^

Review
I was completely nervous to the point that I was trembling. "Completely nervous" doesn't sound too right to me, although Google can't find me a website with collocatives, so I can't check what could be right. Also, a tip is to not make your characters too self aware of their emotions and feelings (nervous) - I can make up from the word "trembling" the character is quite nervous at the point (although it could indicate fear).

I walked through the high school hallways as I made my way to the library. It's I walked down the high school hallways.

I walked down the rows of books until I found him:Senji. Nothing really wrong with this sentence. I would put a dot instead of a colon, but I think that's just a matter of taste.

'''Now was my chance. I walked up to him and he noticed me.''' As Sono is the narrator, he can't know what Senji is inside, ne? Like, you can't see whether one is thinking about cookies or cake. Same goes for Sono; he can't see whether Senji notices him, accidently looks his way or feels his aura.

"Hey, what's up freshmen?"He asked me. Freshmen is plural, freshman is singular.

"I, I I stuttered. I asume the closed inverted comma should be between the second and third I.

"Yes?"He asked me. "Yes" isn't really a question, is it? You could say "he replied", although that is another matter of taste. You could also leave the tag out and put something like "he cocked his head" or "he inhaled deeply" (to make clear Senji says it without a tag.)

'''"I love you."I told him. He stared at me surprised.''' Nothing too wrong. You could use replied instead of told, but only if the previous line isn't replaced with replied. The second part doesn't sound 100% in my ears, but that's a matter of taste, again.

10 years later ,I was just getting to my first day of work at the most famous manga maker:Mobi Magz. See How I would've done it.

'''I walked into the building and went to the top floor where they handle the writing and development of characters. I walked up the stairs and found the room where I would be at for a long time and as soon I as I walked in, I was greeted by my fellow workers.''' I would make two entirely new sentences of these, see How I would've done it to see what I mean. Also, apparently, Sono went to the top floor prior to walking up the stairs?

'Thanks I'm just glad to be here."I said smiling. The message is clear here, although I would replace said with replied (to their greets).

Then I noticed a guy staring at me."Oh that's Senji Sumo,our boss."A worker told me, I walked over to him. The comma between me and I is seriously misplaced, because it indicates there is another action after Sono walking over to him whilst there isn't. Also, walked over to "him"? that sounds like Sono walks over to the worker (which he doesn't, as he walks over to Senji, am I right?")

"Hi,so i'll be working with you for a while."I said holding out my hand. I would remove the "so". Also, Senji is the boss and Sono is a worker... shouldn't with then be for?

'''He stared at me blankly, After a minute he shook my hand. I went off to find my desk.''' I would remove the adverb and replace "stared" with something else. A synonym for "to stare blanky", apparently, is "gaze". And isn't a minute a bit long?

'''I watched as the new guy leave and stared. "Where have I seen him before?"I asked myself.''' This sentence is just plain wrong. "I watched him leave" or "I stared at the guy, who was about to leave" would do. Also, A friendly reminder that because this is a 1st person story, you don't need to put the toughts in brackets and you definitely don't need to add a tag, unless the character is actually talking to himself (which I don't assume here.)

I walked around and checked on everyone and then I came upon the new guy and I stared at him. Could replace the first and with a comma, it looks more like a commands list instead of a sentence.

"I know I have seen him somewhere, but where?"I asked myself. Again, this doesn't need brackets and a tag.

I continued to check around for any mistakes when I got to the new guy's desk and saw his layout for the new issue of our top-seller. I would say best-seller.

"Hm, this is pretty good:a little messy but still good, I should have a look at his other pages."I told myself. Here I can imagine Senji actually says this to himself, but I have my doubts as the previous time Senji thought something it was put between brackets and had a tag.

'''So I did just that. As soon as I did, he came back and looked at me.''' "He came back" - so he was away, but where do we see Sono going/being away?

'''"Did you see these?"He asked me. I nodded.''' I think it's quite obivious Senji has seen the layouts if he has been looking at them for the past minutes. So I would leave this sentence out.

'''"What do you think?"He asked. "They were pretty good, just gotta fix some things and it'll be prefect for releasing."I told him. I walked away and got back to work.''' "They were pretty good" sounds like a wizard changed them the second Sono got back to his desk (actually I pretty much nailed it?) Also, this sounds like Senji is slacking off by checking people's layouts. But he's meant to do that once in a while, isn't he?

'''The next day I went to work and was greeted by everyone. "Hey Sono, we were all thinking:if we're gonna be working with you, we need to know more about."Jessica told me.''' Gotta leave "was greeted by everyone" out, it's unnecessary. The workers barely know him, and he's been welcomed to the building already. You see what I mean? The rest is fine, but who is Jessica? I assume she's a co-worker (but is she?)

"Well, I went to Emerald High, I was a pretty good student, but I loved to be in the library the most and I love tuna pizza."I told everyone. Usually the good students love the library.

'''They all dispersed and I got to work. I worked til late. I checked the clock and it was 9:45 pm.''' Neh. Would leave out.

'''I was heading to the elevator when Senji stopped me. "So,you like libraries?"He asked me. "Yeah why?"I asked him. "Would your name be Sono Ninja?"He asked me.''' I would rather put and instead of when (obiviously, a comme before "and" should be there). Nothing wrong with the rest. (although, it's more common to say "is your name" or "are you"). ALSO... Senji is the boss. He should know what the names of his workers are... ne? But, let's assume he's indeed the slack off type and does not bother to even glance at the list of accepted newbies.

'''"How do you know that?"I asked. Out of nowhere,he kisses me. My eyes light up and I push him away. "What the hell was that?"I asked him shocked.''' Sono does not see his eyes light up. He can feel it, though, so something like "I felt like my eyes lit up" will be more valid. Also, you put a present tense in a past tense story (which is not really wrong (historical present) but it does grind my gears.)

'''"10 years ago you told me you love me."Senji replied. "What I did n."I stopped and memories from 10 years ago flash. I finally realized who my boss is:Senji. I blushed and backed away slowly. "Stay away from me."I told him getting into the elevator.''' Nothing wrong with this either...

'''He joins me. "I won't give up,i'll make you say you love me again."He said calmly. "Never."I told him angrily. I ran out the building and went straight home''' Sono first needs to leave the elevator in order to run out of the building, but that's it.

How I would've done it
NB: Not my best writing TuT

SONO'S POV I walked down the school hallways to the library. I walked down the rows of books until I found him. Senji. I trembled. Now was my chance. I walked up to him and he turned his head in my direction. "Hey, what's up, freshman?" he asked me. "I, I--" I stuttered. "Yes?" He cocked his head. "I love you." Senji stared at me, surprised.

10 years later, I was going to the most famous manga maker company, Mobi Magz, for my first day of work. I walked into the building, via the stairs to the top floor where they handle writing and development of characters, and found the room where I would be at for a long time from this

moment on. As soon as I walked in, I was greeted by my soon-to-be fellow workers. "Thanks guys, I'm glad to be here," I replied to their greets, smiling. I noticed a guy staring at me. "Oh, that's Senji Sumo, our boss." A worker told me. I walked over to Senji. I held out my hand. "Hi, I'll be working for you for a while." He gazed at me, and after some time he shook my hand. I went off to my desk.

SENJI'S POV I watched the new guy leave. Where have I seen him before? I walked around the room, checking on everyone. Then I came upon the new guy, and stared at him. I know I have seen him somewhere, but where? I continued to check around for any mistakes. I got to the new guy's desk, and saw his layout for the new issue of our best-seller. He himself was away, and I took the opportunity to

check out the other layouts. "Hm. This is pretty good," I whispered to myself, "a little messy, but still good." I glanced at the other layouts. I should have a look at them as well. The guy came back and looked at me. "What do you think?" He asked. "They are pretty good," I told him, "you just have to fix some things... and it'll be perfect for releasing." I went back to my office.

SONO'S POV The next day I went to work my co-worker Jessica walked up to me. "Hey, Sono, we were all thinking," she began, and looked behind her to see the other co-workers nodding, "if you're going to be working with us, we need to know more about you." "Well," I scratched my head, "I went to Emerald high, was a pretty good student and loved the library. And, what should I say - oh, I love tuna pizza."

Later that day, about to leave back home, I headed to the elevator. Somebody stopped me. I turned around and noticed it was Senji. "So, you like libraries?" He asked me. "Yeah, why?" "Are you, by any chance, Sono Ninja?" He asked me. An awkward silence followed. "How do you know that?" I asked. Senji kissed me. I feltmy eyes lit up, and pushed him away. "...what?" I said, shocked. "10 years ago," Senji said, and sighed, "you told me you love me." "What, I did n--" I said, but got a flashback; there I am, in the library. "I love you", I say. I realized now - my boss was Senji. The Senji. I backed away slowly, blushing. "Stay away from me." I told him, getting into the elevator, hoping he wouldn't, but he joined me. "I will make you say you love me again." He said calmly. "Never!" I lashed out. When the elevator arrived, I ran out of it, to the exit, and went straight home.

Improvement points

 * Action sequence (when does what happen)
 * Illogical actions
 * Use of adverbs (not so much thought)
 * I would've loved to see a description somewhere, but that's a matter of taste I guess.

Do you agree with this review? No Froz, you're way to harsh. Yep, totally. Yep, totally. [SARCASM INTENSIFIES] Wow that's actually a really good review FROZ WRITE A STORY Froz if you write a story I quit What if I told you you can vote this if you have no opinion